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What's Y'all's Sign?
Horoscopes For Suthuners!

 

by Frank Gannon

It has become pretty obvious to me that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions, or scorpions, not many archers and no darned water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either, needless to say. So what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

OKRA ~ December 22 - January 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence every-where. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN ~ January 21 - February 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL ~ February 20 - March 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the
surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the
interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and
driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE ~ March 21 - April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a
cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and
round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM ~ April 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked
tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH ~ May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living
room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS ~ June 22 - July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the
"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of
those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH ~ July 24 - August 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one:
Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS ~ August 24 - September 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to
huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Any where they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS ~ September 24 - October 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best-your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN ~ October 24 - November 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO ~ November 23 - December 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.


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